Realisation

Now that Tomorrow and The Chicken are both published and are on sale at www.lulu.com/447169 I have begun work on the Big One, the difficult one. This is most painfull, as I have to set down all those nightmares caused by the unfortunate mishap that I suffered in hospital all those years ago.

Will't Thou have a Cuppa was to have been the third in the series of autobiographies, and indeed, I have a large portion of that one on file, waiting for me to continue. However, it seemed that now was a good enough, a safe enough time to write the difficult one, and I have begun that task.

Indeed, in the blog preceeding this one, I offered you a sample of what is to come, and since then, I've laid down four other nightmares with many more to come. The point of this blog is to enlighten myself as I have only now, after 8 years, begun to appreciate the pain and suffering I caused to my dear wife and family.

I had the notion that, if I were to write them all down, that I would be able to work with them, to read them with a degree of detachment, as if they belonged to someone else, which they did, in a way - that other 'me'.

Now, as I read them, I can begin to grasp the level of pain, suffering and anguish that Sue went through as I suffered the nightmares and fought to return to some semblence of normallity. As she told the psychiatrist "all she wanted, was her husband back", bless her.

Now and only now, can I really begin to understand what she meant. At the time, I was aware that she was there as indeed I was aware of 'several little people' in the house. My world then was tiny, it was just me - I had been driven into myself with scant regard for anyone else. People close to me, I didn't know and people not close to me, I didn't want to know, but Sue pulled me through all that.

She stood by my side, but I never really understood the extent to which she fought and suffered, unbeknownst to me, not until now, as I read over what I'm writing.

I wonder if this is a phenomenon which applies only to me, or is it a universal thing?

From all this, I can promise that the book, to be called "I Couldn't pay the Ferryman" will be a good one, and the first readings by outsiders would appear to confirm this.